1/16/15

Strip Club Hooligans

This post contains explicit language fueled by alcohol then overheard.

Photo by Jesse Varner
We’ve lived over three strip clubs, one liquor store, and a smoke shop here in the North Beach neighborhood of San Francisco for almost two years because the rent is cheap.

There are trade-offs of course, like the noise, and sirens, and the noise, and fights, and the noise. It’s difficult to roll with, but perspective is important. I’m constantly reminding myself to be thankful that drunks, hobos and strippers don’t have sirens attached to them too.

Monday and Tuesday nights are the best, although the noise level is still something that would compel most of you to call the cops were it in your neighborhood. But as you can imagine, on weekends, it’s hard to get to sleep before three in the morning.

When the TV is off, we can hear every word spoken – and shouted – down on the sidewalk below, because we’re only on the second floor and our bay window is directly over the entrance of one of the clubs.

I’m posting this on a Friday – going into yet another boisterous weekend – so, here is an hour by hour breakdown of what we can look forward to, based on past experience. M is a male voice, which can include not only passers-by, but patrons of the clubs and the doormen who work the club entrances. F is for female voices, including the girls who work the clubs and stand out front with the doormen.

10 PM to 11 PM

M - Hey guys, how ya doin? Come on in, we’ve got girls! And liquor!
M - How much?
M - A forty dollar pass will get you in all three clubs here, so if you want a change of scenery you can head into another club later!
F - But why would you want a change of scenery when I’LL BE DANCING, HAHA! Come on boys, let’s go get our party on! WHOOOOO!!!
MMM (multiple) – WHOOOOOOOO!!! Let’s do this! WHOOOO!

M - Tara, get over here!
F - I want some cigarettes.

F - TAXI!

F - What you doin’?
M - Waiting for Tara. We’ll be right there.

11 PM to 12 AM

M - Hey fellas, we got booze and girls, come on in!
F - Yeah, come on in HUNNEEE!
F - What’s your name?
MMM - Ted.
F - You all named TED?
MMM - (laughter)

F - TAXI!

M - Damn that asshole at the liquor store carding and I forgot my ID.
M - I’ll buy, what you getting?

F - HI, HUNNEEEEE! What’s your name? Wanna come inside and see me dance?
M - Roger. No.
F - AW, where you goin? You don’t want to see naked girls dancing for you?
M - I’m gay, sweetheart, but thanks.

12 AM to 1 AM

M - Fellas, come on in! We got..
MMM - YEAH! LEZ GO DO THIS SHIT!
F - Let’s do shots and dance!
MMM - WHOOOO!
FFF - WHOOO!

M - TAXI!

F - HI HUNNEEZ, where you guys all from?
M - He’s from Wisconsin, I’m DC, and I think he’s..
M - Missi-fucking-SSIPPY, BABY! WHOO!!
F - WHOO! Come on in and watch me dance, Mister Missy Fucking Sippy!

F - TAXI! Shit.. TAXI!!! Shit….

M - Hell no, I didn’t take your wallet, why would I take your wallet?
M - Maybe was that bitch in the club.
F - HEY HUNN…
M - I LOST MY GODDAMN WALLET!
F - Oh, sorry babe. But at least you’re not gay, there’s that.

1 AM to 2 AM

MMM - WHOOOOO!!!
FFF - WHAAAAA!!!

M - Fellas, what’s up? You been in to see..?
MMM - We been in and going again and shit, what’s the time closing because shit..
M - Two AM here in California, you still got forty-five minutes.
MMM - California SUCCCCKSSSS!
MMM - SUUUUCCCCCKKKSS!! WHOOOO! HAHAHAHAHA! Fuckengsumblebissh..

FMMF - TAXIS!!!!

M - TARA! WHAT THE FUCK?
F - FUCK YOU!
F - Yeah Jake, LEAVE HER ALONE, ASSHOLE.

M - You botherin’ this lady?
M - NOT YOUR BUSINESS, DICKWAD.
M - Who you callin’ DICKWAD!

(SIRENS)

MM - Assume the position, gentlemen.
MMMM - We’re okay officers, we was just fuckengsumblebishen….

(MORE SIRENS)

MFMFMFMFMF - TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI!!

2 AM to 3 AM

MFMFMFMMFMFMMFMMF - WHOOOOO! WHAAAAAAA! FECKKKK!!! EMBLISHUWHAAAA!!!!! BOOOO!!! FUGLESMISHING….

M - Let’s move along now, guys, you all have homes, let’s start heading that way..
M - YOU start heading that way! BWAAAHHH!!! HAHA!!!!
M - I ain’t got no home. HAHA! I GOT KICKED OUT BECAUSE GREEDY ASSHOLES..
F - No one cares, shaddup.
M - YOU SHADDUP BISH!
MMM - WHO YOU CALLIN’ A BISH!

(LOTS OF SIRENS)



3 AM to 4 AM

F - See you later, hun. Working tomorrow?
F - Yeah, but hey, split a cab with me!
F - Okay.. TAXI! ‘night Benny.
M - Goodnight ladies, see you tomorrow.
F - Mmmph, I love you Benny, you keep us safe! Bye doll!

4 AM to 5 AM

TAXI - Anyone need a cab? Hello?



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