Bless Yer Beautiful Hide

Saturday is VALENTINE'S DAY, so I have a really romantic song to dedicate to my valentine of 25 years, DORIAN.

This song and video are from the 1954 MGM film Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, starring Howard Keel as hunky woodsman Adam Pontipee. The setting is 1850 in the "Oregon territory," and Adam goes down into town one day a'searchin' for a wife.

He ended up with Jane Powell, but I ended up with Dorian in the 1989 version where I wandered around Dinuba, California one day on my own a'wifen expedition, and wandered into the video store where Dorian happened to work.

I'd been newly hired to work at the town's radio station, but I had the day off and I was in a marryin' mood, so I left the station and wandered down Alta Vista Avenue. As I started to whistle the first few notes of this song, I heard the orchestra kick in and, well, I couldn't help but sing, and I sounded exactly like Howard Keel!
"Bless yer beautiful hide, wherever you may be. We ain't met yet but I'm-a willin' to bet; yer the gal fer me!"
Just a few buildings down from the radio station there was a laundromat, and a woman inside folding a load of clothes that she'd just taken from the dryer. She wasn't too bad lookin', so I stepped up to her and said, "Mornin' Ma'am!"

She started to reply but just then a little kid ran into the laundromat and said, "Mom, dad's over at the liquor store and says he's a dollar short." She gave me a wistful shrug, so I continued on my way and kept right on singing:
"Bless yer beautiful hide, yer just as good as lost. I don't know yer name but I'm-a staking my claim, lest yer eyes is crossed."
Next door to the laundromat was the liquor store, and next door to that was a dress shop with a mannequin standing right outside the door, and it was wearing a really hot dress. I think it was Versace or something, but what do I know?

It was one of those realistic mannequins, not those fakey kind without heads and stuff, so I walked right up to that thing and was all ready to propose marriage to it when I noticed that it's eyes was crossed!


So, I continued on down the sidewalk and kept on a'singin':
"Well I'd swap my gun and I'd swap my mule, tho whoever took 'em would be one big fool. Or pay yer way through cookin' school, if'n you would say I do."
Coming down the sidewalk was a total hottie, and she wasn't even a mannequin this time! There were no little kids in sight, so I'm sure you understand when I tell you I walked right up to that gal and said, "Mornin' Ma'am!"

She stopped and sized me up, then she replied, "Uh yeah, hey."

I followed up with, "Nice day fer marryin'!"

But wouldn't you know it, that's when this burly fellow stepped up next to her and said something about if I like my nuts I'd keep walkin' or else he'd firmly plant a boot in them, so I kept walkin', and of course, singin':
"Bless yer beautiful hide, prepare to bend your knee, and take that vow 'cause I'm-a tellin' you now, yer the gal fer me."
Turned out that Dinuba, California was full of smoking hotties in 1989 so, as I walked by a bunch of them, I sang out my observations of each one as I passed:
"Pretty and trim but kinda slim, heavenly eyes, but oh that size; she's gotta be right, to be the bride fer meeeeeee..."
I leaned wistfully on a mailbox outside a video store.
"Bless yer beautiful hide, where ever you may be."
Then, I heard it. A cadence in time with the music playing all around me. I spun around to see an absolute angel inside the video store, scanning VHS movies that had just been returned. Each time she scanned one, she slapped it down on the counter and the slaps were in perfect time with the music. It was surely a sign!

I watched her with a bemused expression as the video store manager came up to her and said, "Hey what are you doin'? There's a dozen customers in here trying to find copies of Driving Miss Daisy and here you are, scanning returns!"

She rolled her eyes and said, "I'm coming!"

As she flung VHS tapes aside and pushed her way through the crowd over to the whiny customers, I sang:
"Pretty and trim, but not too slim; heavenly eyes, and just the right size. Simple and sweet.."
Just then a guy came up to her and started to complain that his copy of Rain Man hadn't been properly rewound, so she shoved him into a rack of documentaries and stormed off.
I spun around and leaned against the mailbox again, with a big ol' smile, because I'd just had an epiphany. I sang:
"Well bless her beautiful hide, yes she's the girl fer ME!"
So here's the video where Howard Keel does all of that in 1850 Oregon Territory, but really, it's pretty much what I did in 1989 Dinuba. And it worked, because Dorian and I have been a'married for goin' on 25 years now.

I think it was my offer to pay her way through cookin' school that cinched it.

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